Void

You can't always get what you want.

"When we love without expecting anything back, we don't mind their flaws or their difficulties or their past mistakes, because we want all of them anyway, entirely whole. We wear our hearts on our sleeves; we give ourselves, we convey our honesty, and for that, we've done enough.

When we love without expecting anything back, we allow ourselves to authentically be, and we invite vulnerability to strongly take its place alongside of us. We pine, we yearn, we smile, we miss, we cry - all in the name of being human."

x

I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to be strong like I always am. It's like I've been fighting a war for so long and now that it's over, I don't know what to do. There is nothing to fill this void I feel. I tried so, so hard, I always try so hard, but it never seems to be enough. I always end up feeling so unworthy, broken and empty. I always end up giving my all and falling so hard, and when it's all over I'm sucked dry of everything and all I can feel is waves of overwhelming sadness and emptiness that keeps washing over me. Every moment I see something that reminds me of you, that we did before, that you usually do, that you have done before, I feel my chest tighten and my nose squeezes itself and all my tear ducts kick into action. I don't want to feel like this, I've never felt like this before. This hurts more than anything I've felt before. I want to rip out my heart and keep it away so I won't have to feel anything.

Don't ask me if I'm okay. If I say I am, I'm lying. But if you do ask, and I say I am, just believe me. Believe me so I will believe myself. I thought this time it would be different, but it's not. It never is.

I don't know how to do this.